Of Brains and Other Organs of Some Repute
by Anna-mathe
Summary: Chinese Fred, Badamon's evil counterpart, has been hording evil brains from deceased villains for centuries. Now that he's begun to use them, mass chaos ensues! Can a recently-ressurected Anubis help the Ronins and Warlords figure this out?
1. The Quantum Physicist - or - AHHH! BRAI...

Of Brains and Other Organs of some Repute: part one

Of Brains and Other Organs of Some Repute 

Part one

"The Quantum Physicist,"

or

"AHHH!BRAINS!!!!!" 

Written by Anna-mathe

All rights reserved, for I have none.

**_Dedicated to everyone who hates Yuli, likes Anubis, and loves . . . cheese._**

"White Blaze!White Blaze, give it _baaaaaack_!!!" came the pathetic whine of young child.

Mia looked up and tried not to scream in agony as Yuli bounded into the kitchen.

"Mia!!" he wailed."White Blaze ate my sock!"

Ah.This was, at long last, the final straw.

"He ate your sock?!" Mia repeated, snapping around to face the little hooligan."And how many times have I told you to keep your socks _on your FEET_?!?!"

Yuli looked up at her and began to bawl.Big time.The ultra waterworks.

Mia sighed and turned back to the bologna she had been frying when she'd been so _rudely_ interrupted.

Yuli, noting that she wasn't giving way to sympathy in regards to his tears, tried a new tactic.Rather than simply bawling, he got down on the floor and threw a full kick-smack tantrum!

Mia gritted her teeth and ran through her yoga routine in her mind.

_I am the tree . . . I am the tree . . . _

Yet, tree though she may have been, her hand was itching dangerously toward her hot spatula.This child had gone for far too long without a good spanking . . . 

Yuli, meanwhile, noting the that tantrum was likewise not getting him anywhere, considered biting Mia in the leg.

In the hall, White Blaze was considering how much he had enjoyed that sock, and was considering going for the entire foot while he was at it.

Fortunately for all parties involved, the doorbell took that moment to ring, dissuading all thoughts of personal injury from the three's minds.

Mia opened the door tentatively, receiving a sudden feeling of foreboding . . .

. . . only to be knocked flat on her back as the door swung open in her face!

Yuli promptly started screaming (MIA, MIA, MIA, MIIIIIIAAAAA!!!) and White Blaze promptly rushed over to her, licking her face until she was ready to gag from cat breath.

_I am the tree . . . I am the _@#$%ing_ tree . . . _

"White Blaze, get out of my face!!!" she yelled, the stress of a long and bad day finally coming to a boil.

The tiger skulked away, allowing her to sit up, wipe off her face, and blink up at her visitor, whom she could now see for the first time.

White Blaze looked back and growled.

Yuli actually shut up.

Mia blinked.

"Can I . . . help you?"

The visitor bowed.He was a quantum physicist, from the looks of him.Ah, we all know how evil quantum physicists are.In any case, he was short, skinny, gawky, had a long nose with glasses and a bald head, as well as piercing green eyes that made Mia queasy.

He threw a glance at White Blaze.

"Ah . . . could you call off your tiger?"

"You're a quantum physicist, aren't you?"

"I am."

"Then you're out of luck.White Blaze hates quantum physicists.Erwin Schrodinger's 'cat in the box' theory really disagreed with him.He doesn't want to take the chance of dying due to a quantum event." 

"I . . . see," replied the quantum physicist."Well . . . first of all, let me introduce myself.I am a quantum physicist.My name is Roger the quantum physicist."

"Honored to meet you, Roger," Mia replied, dragging herself to her feet and forcing herself to act hospitable."My name is Mia."

"Well . . . second of all, let me ask you this.Is this the house of . . . the Ronin Warriors?"

Lightning flashed.

Yuli screamed.

White Blaze licked something.

"It is," Mia confirmed."They're not here right now.Can I take a message?"

"I'm afraid this is quite . . . urgent," Roger replied, setting his brief case on the floor with a certain air of stubbornness that made Mia's blood boil all over again."I shall await their . . . return."

"What if I said they were on a quest to Dellroy, Ohio, and would not return for goodness only knows how long?!" she snapped.

Roger blinked.

Just then, the Ronin Warriors arrived, and Mia fought down the urge to throw them all into the lake.

"I didn't say they _were_," she insisted to Roger."I just asked what _if_ they were."

Roger raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, Mia!Hey, Yuli!Sup, White Blaze?" Ryo greeted, bounding in through the door."Hey – what's up with the quantum physicist?"

Roger rearranged his glasses on his nose.

"Do you _all_ have something . . . _against_ quantum physicists?" he demanded.

Mia grumbled something about a senior term paper her first semester in Chemistry and went to make some tea.

"The reason I've come here, Ronin Warriors, is to . . . you _are_ the Ronin Warriors, right?" Roger asked for clarification as Kento ate two Blimpie Subs at once.

"We are," Sage replied, because he's wise.

"Well then . . . the reason I've come here is because I have received news which I believe would be of some importance to you."

"Hey, excuse me if I'm rude, but what would a quantum physicist know that we'd be interested in?" Rowen snapped, having also had to write that term paper and thus sharing a deep hatred for anyone in the quantum profession.

Roger rubbed his nose.

"Information regarding . . . the _Evil Dynasty_."

Lightning flashed.

Yuli screamed.

White Blaze ate a bug.

Kento swallowed.

"Man, maybe no one ever told you, quantum dude, but we've already _beaten_ the Evil Dynasty," he informed the visitor as he reached for the cheese tray."Talpa and all his goons are either dead or converted.No threat."

Roger rubbed his bald head.

"What if I said that . . . _Badamon's evil counterpart still lives_?!"

Lightning flashed.

Yuli screamed.

White Blaze sniffed something.

"What are you _talking_ about?" Ryo asked, aghast.

Roger took a deep breath.

"All forces of power have counterparts.Talpa had the Ancient.White Blaze had Black Blaze.Erwin Schrodinger had the cat in the box.All have a similar power, and seek roughly the same thing, but are at odds as to how to achieve it."

"Seeking the same thing?Talpa and the Ancient?" Rowen repeated with disbelief.

"They both sought the power of the Nine Armors, did they not?Except that Talpa wanted them for himself to conquer the world, and the Ancient wanted them to be wielded by you to destroy Talpa.They would not have been at odds if, somewhere along the line, they did not seek the same thing."

"So what about Erwin Schrodinger and that poor cat?" Mia demanded.

Roger was silent.

" . . . I'd rather not go there."

Kento bashed the table.

"What's up with all this crap about this Erwin guy?!"

"Erwin Schrodinger was a quantum physicist," Mia calmly explained."He put forth a theory – if a cat is in a box, and the box is closed, then the cat could be either alive or dead due to a quantum event – or perhaps _both_.You won't know until you open the box.As long as you don't know, it could be either one."

Kento blinked blankly.

"Euh . . . wouldn't the _cat_ know?"

"My point exactly!" Mia yelled, seconded heartily by Rowen.

Ryo scratched his head.

"Euh, guys, I think we should listen to what Roger here has to say.He's come a long way to talk to us, after all."

"That's right," Cye agreed."Um . . . where did you say you were from again?"

"I . . . am from . . . _Palermo, Ohio, future capital of the WORLD!!_"

Lightning flashed.

Yuli screamed.

White Blaze ate Yuli.

Everyone cheered.

Ryo them cleared his throat and brought them all back to the subject.

"So, we've established counterparts," he reminded Roger."What's this have to do with Badamon and the Dynasty?"

"Badamon had a counterpart . . . Fred.Both sought dominion over all departed humans – but while Badamon claimed the departed's _souls_, Fred instead claimed their _brains_."

"Ewwwwww!" was the general consensus.Roger held up a staying hand.

"As long as one held the other, there was little threat.Badamon could send the souls to do his bidding, but all they could do was to possess the bodies of others, or perhaps a shell, and operate without any real sense.They were rather stupid minions.Fred, now, Fred is a clever man . . . he is far advanced in genetic engineering, and is quite capable of restoring the bodies to the departed with the tissue from their brains.Without their souls, however, they were also rather useless minions.Now . . . now that Badamon is destroyed, however, the souls have returned to the still-living brains, and should he choose . . . he can resurrect the dead."

"Ewwwwww!" was the general consensus.

Sage blinked.

"Well, is that really so horrible?Those who have met wrongful deaths can be restored to their families and friends."

"You call yourself wise?!He has the brains of the likes of Sarenbo, Talpa himself, Richard Nixon – "

"Nixon?!" Rowen yelped."Man, guys, we've gotta stop him before it's too late!"

"Where can we find this Fred, Roger?" Cye inquired calmly.

"To the north, there lies a cave – the cave of _Caer Bannog_, wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ralph Waldo Emerson do make known the whereabouts of the most vile Fred."

"How do you _know_ this stuff, quantum dude?" Kento wondered, bewildered.

Roger kicked the wall and scowled.

"I'm a quantum physicist, Ronin . . . Warrior!All quantum physicists can see into the other realms!"

Sage blinked wisely.

"Do you mean to say that you knew what was going on in the Dark Realm the whole time we were fighting them?"

"Of course!"

"Then, like, _why didn't you say anything then_?!" Rowen yelled, grabbing Roger by the throat and shaking him in the air.

"B-b-b-because, we could see it, but couldn't say for _certain_ until you went there!A quantum event may have occurred!Things are not what they seem – they are _never_ what they seem . . . "

And Roger the quantum physicist suddenly transfigured into a rock.

The Ronin Warriors, Mia, and White Blaze blinked at the rock in confusion.

"Ronin Warriors," Ryo said after a long silence, "to _arms_!"

"According to the map on my grandfather's computer, the cave should be just ahead," Mia declared, pulling her jeep over and stopping on the side of the road."You guys go on ahead – I think I'm going to stay here."

The five blinked at her.

"Stay here, Mia?But . . . "Ryo was confused."Usually we have to argue and argue to keep you away from all the battles and stuff.What's up?"

She glowered at them.

"I'm having a _certain problem_ which leaves me _not wanting_ to go trompsing around through forests and caves!!"

"Ah.Okay – sorry.We'll be back soon, Mia."

She sighed.

"Good luck, Ronin Warriors.The world is counting on you once again."

They shut the doors and began to forge ahead.

"What sort of problem is she having?" Kento asked, completely confused.

Rowen hit him in the head with a tree branch which was laying conveniently nearby.

" . . . all right, I can take a hint . . . "

"Look!" Cye cried, pointing forward.

The all looked.

"Dude – is that - ??" Kento gaped.

Ryo nodded.

"The Cave of Caer Bannog.Just like the quantum physicist said."

"May the spirit of the quantum physicist see us through this quest alive," Sage sighed reverently.

"NO!" Rowen snapped."The Ancient One was okay, Anubis was tolerable, but I'm _not_ going for the spirit of the quantum physicist!!"

Ryo shook his head.

"Chill, you guys, just _chill_, would you?"

The five crept carefully into the cave, Sage leading because he'd brought a flashlight.That just proves once and for all that he is, indeed, wise.

"Look!Mystic Runes!" Cye exclaimed, pointing at some Mystic Runes.

They gathered around the Runes with apprehension.

"The last words of Ralph Waldo Emerson . . . " Cye murmured under his breath.

"Get over it!" Kento snapped."Transcendentalism was the worst literary movement in history!"

"I don't care if it's transcendentalism or quantum physics – I'm sick of listening to you guys complain!" Sage bellowed.

The other four looked at him in shock, and he quickly affected a "wise" pose.

"It's unwise to complain," he explained with great dignity.

Blinking but not saying anything, the other four turned back to the Runes.

"What does it say?" Rowen asked."I can't read Transcendentalist."

"It says," deciphered Ryo, "that Fred of the Brain is currently employed at our local McDonalds, where smiling faces are always welcomed."He blinked."Those fools – they've hired a _madman_!!"

"It's our job to stop him, bro!" Kento quickly said, jumping to his feet."C'mon!Let's get going!Maybe we can get some free food out of this mess!"

They hurried back to the car and quickly filled Mia in.She was aghast.

"But . . . I just ate at McDonalds this morning!I had hot cakes and a hash brown, with two helpings of apple juice!Their apple juice is actually quite excellent – "

"Just drive, Mia, okay?" Ryo suggested, growing annoyed with keeping everyone on task in this story."Just drive."

The five stormed into McDonalds with an aura of great power and dignity, making customers freeze and gawk right in the middle of supersizing their value meals.

"C-c-c-can I help you?" inquired a jittery cashier at the sight of these five armed men.

Ryo planted a hand firmly on the countertop.

"We've come . . . to see _the manager_."

The jittery cashier shakily pointed them in the direction of the manager's office – the door that said "Manager's Office."They entered.

The manager looked up with startled recognition as they entered, closing the door behind them.

"Ronin Warriors!" he hissed."Who sent you?"

Kento fixed him with a hard glare.

"We were sent by . . . the _Transcendentalist_!!!"

The manager squeezed his eyes closed in agony and pushed a button on his desk.

The five warriors fell, astonished, through a trap door which suddenly opened beneath them, dropping quickly into the darkness below.

Mia, during the meanwhile, ordered herself some fries and a milkshake.

"Everyone okay?" Sage asked as he picked himself up from the impact.

Groans replied.Yeah, they were pretty much normal.

"Yoooooouuuuu," whispered an eerie voice from all around them, and the five warriors looked around with befuddlement, not seeing the source of the voice itself."You have come . . . . . . . to visit me?"

Abruptly, a light turned on, and as the Ronins squinted in the sudden brightness, the figure of a little Chinese guy stood before them with a toothy grin.

"I am much honored – get very _few_ visitors," he greeted.

Ryo glanced at the others, then back to this strange little man.

"Um . . . we're looking for a guy named Fred who collects the still-living brains of recently-killed people," he said.

"Ah – that would be me.Have you come to visit me?"

"No . . . actually, we've come to defeat you and brutally maim you until you surrender."

"Ah.So sad.Well, now I must kill you all."

And Chinese Fred raised his hands.

"I call upon the vast power of the _Brains_!!!!GOOEY, GOOEY, GOOEY!!!!"

Kento punched him in the head, and he died.

"Way to go, Kento," Ryo applauded, as the Warrior of Justice looked from his hand to the dead Chinese guy in shock."Now, let's take a good look around down here."

"But . . . that was so easy . . . darn it, I wanted to kick some Dynasty tail!Not punch out some little Chinese guy in McDonalds!"

"Deal with it, Kento," Rowen encouraged."We've got other work to do.Who knows to what end Fred may have already put his evil devices to work?"

"Over here, guys!" Sage called.

They followed his voice into another room – this one filled with great holding tanks with labels.One such read – "Revivification Test, No. 1."

"Would it really be wise to open it and look?" Sage wondered aloud.

"Who cares?" Kento replied brightly, reaching past his peer and swinging open the door to reveal - - - 

_The horrible, hideous, EVIL form of - - - ­_

"I am not a crook!"

"AAAHHH!" they yelled."It's Richard Nixon!!"

"ARROW SHOCK WAAAAAAVE!" Rowen screamed, pelting the vile creature until he died again.

For a long moment, the warriors stood still, shaking from the horror they had just witnessed.

"I don't think we should open the others just yet," Cye said in a trembling voice after a long moment of silence."I frankly don't think I'm up to it."

"None of us are, buddy," Kento replied quickly."Let's, uh, move on."

They continued to search the evil laboratory of the Dark Chinese until Ryo made the next discovery (other than rats and burger grease).

He entered what looked from the outside to be a small closet, only to find a great mass of machinery inside, humming loudly and vibrating.

_Virtue . . . _

Ryo squinted.There was a power here, one that seemed to be reaching out inadvertently to his own.

He took a careful step forward, Wildfire Swords ready for just about anything to come jumping out, and jumped nearly three miles when there came a DING not unlike that of an oven timer.

The humming and vibrating stopped.A computer screen on the side of the machine popped to life.Without thinking, Ryo stepped over to it.

Process completed, it read.Process successful.Testing phase complete.Ready to proceed onto next phase: conquest of Cleveland.

Ryo shook his head – this guy had been deranged indeed.

The computer abruptly dinged again.

WARNING: Vital signs fading.Suggested action: remove subject and administer medical aid.

Ryo glanced at a great enclosed tube in the center of the machine.

_That must be where Fred popped out his recreations of those dead people.I wonder . . . well, looks like this one's going to be dead again.I guess it's as it should be._

But again that tugging on his power came to him.

_Virtue . . . _

And he took a step toward the tube.

"Ryo!" came a yell – the other four had arrived.

"It might be a trap!" Sage warned.

"But – it's calling to me," Ryo replied.

"But – what if it's evil?!" Kento wailed.

"What if it's not?It's the mind, body, and soul of a human being, and it needs our help."

"And if it's not human?" Sage inquired severely.

Ryo shrugged.

"Then we have Kento or Rowen or whoever else decides to throw a fit kill it again."

And he resolutely walked over to the tube and, pressing a button marked OPEN (see, Sage isn't the _only_ one who's wise), he opened to door to reveal the unconscious body within.

Ryo gasped and fell over.

The others, cramming around to look, also gasped and fell over.

Rowen was the first to regain his composure.

"Crap!" he yelled."How did _he_ get in here?!"

"Who cares?!" Ryo snapped, jumping to his feet."You heard the computer – he needs medical attention before he dies _again_!!"

And he grabbed up the body and charged out of the room, leaping up through the hole back into the manager's office and high-tailing it to Mia's jeep, the others following in confused bewilderment.

For the man in question was none other than – 

_Anubis, Former Dark Warlord of Cruelty!!_

_ _

**_Bum_**** bum_ BUUUUUUUUM!!!_**


	2. Hockey in the Mortal World - or - Yuli L...

Of Brains and Other Organs of Some Repute

Of Brains and Other Organs of Some Repute 

Part two

**"Hockey in the Mortal World"**

or

**"Yuli Learns where Babies Come From"**

Written by Anna-mathe

All rights reserved, for I have none.

**_"Dedicated to everyone who hates Yuli, likes Anubis, and loves . . . cheese."_**

The four Dark Warlords of the Nether Realm sat around a table eating cheese as a messenger came, leaving them with a letter signed THE RONIN WARRIORS.

"For crying out loud, not while we're _eating_!!??" Dais snapped as Kayura tore the letter open with her sword.

She threw him an evil glare, proceeding then to ignore him and read the letter.

"Well?" Cale inquired a few moments later, popping a large chunk of Cheddar into his mouth.

She shook her head.

"Something about Badamon's evil counterpart raising Anubis from the dead.And Erwin Schrodinger's Cat."

Dais snorted through his Colby.

"If you ask me, the Ronin Warriors have been eating a little too much Soy."

Sekhmet hurled the cheese-slicer at him.

"There is _nothing wrong with soy_!!" he snapped.

"Whatever."

"Pass the Provolone."

"What do they mean by counterpart?"

"I think they're talking about Fred."

"Who's Fred?"

"Some Chinese guy Badamon was always fuming about.Something about brains."

"Who took the Swiss?"

"You don't suppose Anubis is really - ?"

"Who knows?That Mortal World is pretty messed up – _give me that White American_ – I wouldn't put anything past them."

"Are you trying to say White American is better than plain old Yellow American?"

"All American Cheeses _suck_.Deal with it."

"They're not as bad as Soy."

"SHUT UP!!!"

"Maybe we should check this out."

*Snort*

"Maybe we should ignore them and finish our cheese."

" . . . good idea."

They chewed in thoughtful silence for a time.Then:

"I hope for his sake that they _haven't_ brought Anubis back from the dead," Dais remarked.

Kayura blinked at him.

"Why?"

"Oh, you know Anubis.He'd be so depressed, so _darn_ depressed.Every time that guy gets returned from a near-death experience, he's always _so depressed_.I sometimes think the man would be happier off having never been born."

"Shut up and give me some more Cheddar."

"Oh, here you go."

Meanwhile, back in the Mortal World, the Ex-Warlord slowly regained consciousness and was, indeed, rather depressed.

Before he could mope openly, however, he felt something – someone . . . touching his face?

"The fever's broken – I think he's going to be all right," traveled a bright voice, one he figured he should recognize from somewhere.

Frowning against a swelling pain in his temples, Anubis opened his eyes and looked around.

"Oh, look!He's awake!"

It was _Mia_.Mia?What on Earth . . . 

Other figures crowded around him.

He was laying down.

Laying down?Where – 

There were curtains.

_Curtains . . . _

Mia's house?What the heck?

"Hey man, you all right?" inquired the blue-haired one in a voice that seemed just a bit too obnoxious for Anubis's headache.

"No," he replied."I feel as if my brain had been torn from my skull."

The Ronins blinked at him.

"Actually," Kento began, but Cye jabbed him in the stomach and he shut up.

Things began to swim into focus a little better.

"What - ?" Anubis began, trying to sit up.The room swam and he fell flat on his back again.

"Take it easy, Anubis," Mia urged."You've been through a lot, and your body has to recover from the stress of being rebuilt from scratch."

"_What_?!"

Mia clamped a hand over her mouth.

"What _is_ going on around here?Why am I alive?I could have _sworn_ . . . "

"That you died?You did, man," Kento replied before Cye jabbed him again.

A piercing wail reached them – one so loud it drove Anubis right unconscious again.

"What's that horrible sound?!" Ryo cried, covering his ears.

"Yuli!" Mia replied."White Blaze must have thrown him up!"

"Oh _no_!!"

"You guys go and keep him quiet," Mia ordered."Anubis needs rest – if Yuli starts up his blabbing, though, Anubis may not be the _only_ one to suffer from it!No, that's not a _threat_."

"Good!" Kento cheerfully assented."I don't like threats."

Mia screamed, and the five Warriors left the room.

The little cretin in question was sitting on the floor, tears streaming and mingling with the large puddle of tiger saliva already on the floor around him.And he was still _screaming_.

"_White Blaaaaaaaaze!!Why did you eeeeeheeeeheeeeat meeeheeeeheee?!?!_"

White Blaze was sitting in a corner whimpering softly.

Such was the scene when the Ronin Warriors bounded down the stairs.

"Traitor," Rowen hissed at the cat."Why'd you go and spit him up?"

Ryo decided to perform a leader-type action and calm the kid down before Mia had them all skewered.

"Hey, Yuli!" he greeted with a broad grin.

Yuli looked up at him suspiciously.

"What's up, little man?You look a little upset."

Yuli sniffled.

"First, White Blaze ate my sock.Then a horrible quantum physicist came.Then White Blaze ate _me_!!Why did he eat me, Ryo?_Why_?!"

And the kid abruptly burst into more tears.

"He doesn't _like_ me anymore, does he?!?!"

"Ah – listen, Yuli.I think it's time we had a little talk.Man to man, you know?"

Sage looked alarmed.Being wise, he guessed Ryo's plan.

_Don't do it, Ryo!!_ he urged silently._You'll _never_ live down the embarrassment!!_

"What . . . what do you mean?" Yuli asked between sobs.

"Well, Yuli, you have to stop crying first.Come on – let's get outta here."

Yuli looked up at him indignantly.

"I'm not going anywhere!!Why do you want me to leave?Don't _you_ like me?"  
Kento just barely stifled a snort.

Ryo sighed.

"Okay, simmer down there, Yuli.Now, you want to know why White Blaze ate you, right?"

Yuli nodded sullenly.

"Well, Yuli . . . did you ever wonder where _babies_ come from?"

Rowen "coughed", quickly stifling the "cough" with his hand and turning away, looking slightly purple.Ryo ignored.

"Babies?" Yuli repeated, dumbfounded.

"Yes, Yuli, babies.You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much . . . they eat socks."

"Really?They eat socks?"

"That's right, Yuli.Ever wonder why people go on honeymoons after they get married?"

Yuli shrugged.

"Well – and this is a secret, you know – I'll tell you why.I'll tell you what they do.You wanna know?"

Yuli nodded.

Ryo leaned close and whispered confidentially:

"They go _shopping_."

Yuli's eyes widened.

"That's right.They go shopping, and the find the most special socks that they like the most, and they buy them.Then, you see, they eat them."

Yuli blinked.

"But . . . what does that have to do with White Blaze eating me?Am _I_ a sock?"

"No, Yuli, but didn't you say White Blaze ate your sock first?"

"Yeah . . . "

"See, it's a sign.White Blaze doesn't hate you – he likes you very much."

Cye excused himself from the room.

" . . . "

"Are you with me so far, Yuli?This is where it gets complicated."

Yuli frowned thoughtfully and nodded again.

"All right.So after a couple gets married and they eat their socks, something very special happens.Do you know what that is?"

Yuli shook his head.

Ryo blinked and scratched his head.

"It's . . . uh . . . how to put this.Um . . . well, it's kinda like pollination, you know?See, they take the crumbs left from the socks and put them in a special bowl, a scrying bowl, that they use to see the future.But in this case, the bowl _doesn't_ show the future.Do you know what it does?"

"What does it do, Ryo?"

"It sends a _message_.See, magical powers can determine from the crumbs of the socks just what this couple is like through and through.And they determine what kind of baby to send to the couple.Now mind you, Yuli, this has gone on for _far_ longer than the digital age – the message isn't sent instantly, like e-mail.No – it generally takes up to nine months for the message to be sent and processed, and the baby shipped to the couple.Did you ever wonder why a woman gets so fat before the baby arrives?"

Yuli blinked.

"It's because, Yuli, she ate too many _socks_."

Kento bit his tongue so hard he started drooling blood.

Yuli was silent for a long moment.

"But . . . Ryo . . . what does this have to do with White Blaze eating me?"

"Well, uh, you see, Yuli . . . tigers are a lot like people.Anyway – though, tigers have very poor sense of time.You see . . . White Blaze ate your sock, and a few minutes later, thought nine months had already passed, and thought that _you_ were his new baby.He gets disoriented sometimes.Don't blame him – it's the Zoloft."

"What's Zoloft?"

" . . . don't go there."

"But if he thought I was his baby, why did he _eat_ me?"

Ryo blinked at him with astonishment.

"Geez, Yuli, _all_ tigers eat their babies . . . it's how they . . . transport them, yeah.They eat them, and carry them in their stomachs to make sure they don't get lost.Then, when they're done traveling, they spit the baby back up.Just like White Blaze did to you.Doesn't that make you feel better?"

" . . . . . . . . . . . . how do socks make _crumbs_, Ryo?"

"Ah-ha, that's quite enough of this, Yuli.Can't solve all the questions of the universe at once, now, can we?Why don't you go run along outside and play, and we'll call you when it's time for lunch?"

Yuli blinked carefully.

"I guess so . . . "

And, still a bit confused, the kid went outside.

Ryo rose with great dignity and faced his four comrades, who met his gaze for a moment, then broke out laughing so hard they fell over.

"Shut _up_," Ryo hissed, turning red."_Someone_ had to shut him up."

Sage stopped laughing long enough to hold up a video camera.

"Surprise!You're on Candid Camera!"

Ryo screamed and lunged at him, grabbing for the camera, but Sage was slick and dodged, jumping out a window.Ryo plunged after him.

Kento grinned.

"What Ryo didn't realize was that that was a live feed to every Turner station in existence."

"Is he ever going to live this down?" Cye asked wistfully.

"Heck no," Rowen replied.

Anubis felt decidedly _weird_.He'd been beaten up pretty badly before, but had never felt so _weird_ afterward – and _no_, it wasn't just because he was, for some strange reason, wearing a uniform from something called "McDonalds".Still, he managed to prop himself up against a wall and maneuver himself out of his room to eavesdrop on his new roomies in the kitchen below the next morning.

"But what are we going to _do_ with him?" Kento was asking."I mean – yeah, so he helped to save the Mortal World, no complaints there.Gave his life for the cause and all.And I'm not complaining that he was resurrected by that Chinese guy at McDonalds, either.But now that he's back, what do we _do_ with him?"

"Kento, lay off," Rowen snapped."He's only been alive for a day!Give him a break!"

"Actually," Anubis cut in, falling down the stairs and quickly dragging himself back to his feet, "I'd rather like to hear the answer to that myself."

The Ronins and Mia blinked at him with astonishment.

"What do you mean?" Ryo asked after a bewildered moment.

Anubis shrugged.

"I have no home, no family, and no purpose in life.I have served Talpa for hundreds of years, and from there I served the will of the Ancient.Now that his will is completed, I have no task to guide me, and no master to command me.I have no purpose in existence."

Kento blinked.

"Huh?"

Ryo held up a scroll.

"We got a warning from Lady Kayura, Anubis.She thinks we're pulling her leg about you – but warned us that if you really _were_ back, you suffered from chronic depression.I guess she was right."

"And why shouldn't I be depressed?" Anubis snapped."Listen – in my off-hours as a Dark Warlord, I studied human literature quite extensively, and learned of something called the Existentialism Movement.I am of late beginning to agree with it completely."

"Is that like Transcendentalism?" Kento inquired.

"No," Sage explained."Existentialism was the concept that since we're all going to die someday, nothing in life really matters.It's all . . . useless."

"Darn right!" Anubis snapped.

Now Kento sighed and stood slowly, gathering dignity about him like a great cloud of gas.

"Anubis," he said solemnly, " . . . you have no life, do you?"

"None."

"I see.We'll fix that.GET HIM, GUYS!!"

Anubis screamed.

"Where are you _taking_ me?!?!" the Ex-Warlord yelled as Mia hurtled her jeep down the road.

"To the very city you first destroyed then rescued!" Kento explained.

"Why?!"

"Wait and see, pal!Hah hah, you just wait and see."

Anubis regarded him with caution.

"And . . . why is Cye in the trunk?"

"This is a _jeep_, man," Rowen reminded him."We can't fit _all_ of us in here.That's why Cye's in the trunk, and Sage is strapped to the roof.

Anubis blinked.

"I . . . see."

"I'll be back at seven o'clock," Mia reminded the party as she prepared to return home."Be ready.Or else."

"Mia," Anubis pleaded desperately, "_please_ don't leave."He threw a look over his shoulder at the Ronins and leaned in her window."I don't feel quite _safe_ with these lunatics."

"Relax, Anubis," she replied."It won't be as bad as you think."

And she drove away.Anubis swallowed nervously as Kento threw him a toothy grin.

"All right, Warlord!" he sang."It's time to go _shopping_!!"

Rowen and Ryo grabbed his arms before he could flee in terror.

"Anubis's wardrobe – take one!" Kento shouted."The HICK look!Bring him out!"

And Anubis was shoved forcefully into the open, subjected to the idle gaze of any idiot who happened to be wandering around in the department store.

"I feel ridiculous," he whimpered.

"I like the flannel shirt," Cye appraised.

"Yeah," Ryo agreed, "but the stable boots don't work."

"Definitely cut the boots and the FFA tee-shirt, too."

"Right."

"I like the bandana."

"Yeah, the bandana's good."

"But not the hat."

"Not the hat?!"

"No."

"But how can you be a good HICK without a Nascar hat?"

"Ryo, I just don't think it's going to work."

"Fine.Without the hat."

And poor Anubis was dragged right back into the changing room.

"Take two!" Kento yelled."The PUNK look!"

Again, Anubis was shoved into the open, where he attempted to hide his face.

"I like the hair," Ryo quickly remarked.

"So do I," Cye agreed."I've never seen such an extreme Mohawk in my life."

"And natural color.Very cool.How about the leather jacket?"

"Naw," Cye sniffed.

A wandering clerk wandered by and noticed their caper, and she glanced Anubis over thoughtfully.

"Leather," she said smugly."More leather.Keep the jacket.It's leather.Get more."

"_What_?!" Anubis yelped as he was dragged back into the changing room.

"Take three!" Kento informed the world."The BIKER look!"

Anubis was shoved into the open, and he promptly fled back into the changing room, only to be tossed out again.

"Stay!" came a snarl from inside.

Anubis sighed and hung his head, clad in tight leather from the neck down.

"I like it," smiled the clerk.

"We don't," the Ronin Warriors objected."You win on this one, Anubis."

"Yes!" he shouted, again fleeing into the changing room.

"Take 542!" Kento jubilated."The NORMAL look!"

Anubis was once more shoved into the open, by this time resigned to his fate but lacking the energy to move on his own.

The Ronins blinked.

"Wow," Ryo remarked."He looks . . . normal."

"All right – it's a keeper!" Kento exclaimed."C'mon!"

And before Anubis realized what was happening, they were dragging him off to some new torture facility.

"What . . . _is _it?" he asked tentatively, gingerly holding the strange thing up to peer closely.

"That, my friend, is what we Mortals call a _pizza_," Kento explained.

"Ah – I have heard of this.Tell me – is this the one you eat crust first?"

Rowen seethed.

"No – because wussies over there don't _like_ stuffed crust pizzas."

"Who're you calling a wuss?!" Kento shouted.

"You."

Kento blinked.

"Oh."

"And . . . what is _this_?" Anubis inquired, staring skeptically into his glass.

"That's called Pepsi," Ryo told him."You drink it, then you burp.Very cool."

Anubis blinked at him, feeling hopelessly lost in the hands of these strange humans.

"And now, the true test of being a male in the Mortal World!" Rowen declared."Anubis, have you ever heard of a game called Ice Hockey?"

"Ice . . . Hockey?"

"That's what we're here to watch.See the two nets?Those are the goals.See that thing they're passing around with their sticks?That's a puck.You get the puck in the other team's goal, and you get a point.Now, you have to deal with things like Icing and Off-sides, but – "

"What _are_ those two in the corner doing?" 

"Uh – they're beating each other senseless."

"Dude, check it out!" Kento exclaimed."The whole teams are getting in on this one!"

All around them, the crowd jumped to their feet, yelling "BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOD!"

And Anubis gazed down at the battle below and, for the first time since coming back from the dead, felt a smile coming on.

"BLOOD!"

"KILL!!"

"MAIM THE SUCKER!!"

The shouts continued until the fight was broken up by two severely wounded refs – but even then the Ex-Dark Warlord of Cruelty was rapt by an odd sense of camaraderie with those involved.

_Perhaps the humans of the modern world _do_ have something in their favor_.

"All right, Anubis, you've come a long way in a few short hours," Kento praised him."Now here's your reward.Cheers!"

Anubis blinked at the new liquid placed before him.

Cye nudged Sage.

"Won't Mia be upset if we all get plastered?"

"Undoubtedly."

"Ah.I see."

"And what is _this_?" Anubis finally worked up the nerve to ask.

"Jack Daniels and Vodka, with a mix of Cherry Kool-Aid," Kento merrily replied, downing his third glass as Anubis tentatively sipped at his first.

"This tastes like crap."

"That it does, Warlord, but it's not _about_ taste!"

"Then what _is_ it about?"

"You'll find out – in about four more glasses."

"I . . . see."

And, biting back the urge to do anything but stay here with these nuts, Anubis chugged down the rest of the glass with a single gulp.

Rowen cheered.

"He really _is_ human!"

"Did you doubt it?" Anubis inquired, taking a new glass.

"Huh?"

"That I'm human.I _think_ I'm human.I _was_ human.Now I'm not quite so sure.You know . . . I think they put my brain in backwards!"

"What?!"

"Yes – that explains everything!Why I feel so very strange – when they rebuilt my body around my brain, they got it backwards!!The fools!"

"Here's to the fools!" Kento cheered, raising his glass.

"WOO!!"

So half an hour later, the five of them were already pretty far gone.

" . . . and Dais tells him, 'Sekhmet, you imbecile, that _is_ my foot!!' " Anubis finished.

Kento choked on an olive as the others broke out laughing.

Deciding that the crops were ripe for picking, a set of bar-wenches came over to "join them" at about that moment.Anubis, not suspecting anything, turned around to find his nose less than an inch away from the local bimbo, who smiled sweetly at him.

"Hi," she greeted.

He screamed and fell out of his chair, hitting the floor with a thunk and looking around in astonishment.

"Oh . . . hello . . . "

The bimbo took insult and left to sulk.

"For crying out loud – she's never even _looked_ at me!" Kento wailed."Anubis, she actually _spoke_ to you!That there is the highest-class bimbo you'll ever see!And she _spoke_ to you!!"

" . . . I've seen worse."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Dude!Where?"

Rowen snorted.

"Geez, Anubis – what do you Dark Warlords do for _fun_, anyway?You _do_ have _fun_, don't you?"

Anubis raised an eyebrow, pulling himself dizzily back into his chair.

"Fun?You're asking me about fun in the Nether Realms?"

"Yeah, actually."

" . . . um . . . "

"Great.I knew it."

"We do _so_ have fun!"

"Yeah?Do tell, Ancient One."

" . . . let me think.Ah!Think about Dais for a moment.Did you ever wonder how he _really_ lost his eye?"

They shrugged.

"I guess so, yeah."

"Dais likes cats, you see, and for fun, he takes these cats and trains them to _kill_.We have whole tournaments for Dais's cats – it's quite interesting.Once one got a little upset and bit him in the eye – but other than that, it's fairly safe fun."

"Battling cats . . . " Cye glanced at Kento."It's a start."

"Kayura does Yoga."

"Kayura?Yoga?"

"Exactly.Cale gets a thrill out of setting Nether Spirits against one another in battles to the death."

" . . . but . . . they're already dead."

"Exactly."

"So – do all of you center your lives around battles to the death?"

"No!Take Sekhmet.He is an artist.He makes collages out of his toenail clippings.Some are quite interesting to look at."

Sage turned away and threw up.

"And you?" Ryo inquired, wavering under his third bottle of Vodka."What did _you_ do for fun, Anubis?"

Anubis affected an air of dignity.

"I," he said, "play the flute."

"The _flute_?!" Kento repeated, dumbfounded."The big tough head of the Dark Warlords plays the _flute_?!"

"It's a difficult instrument to play well!" Anubis snapped.

"I'd like to play your flute," said the bimbo, showing her face again.

Anubis blinked at her with confusion.

"But . . . it's not here."

She jumped as if startled and backed away.

Kento broke out laughing.

"Darn it – you've spent _some_ time on earth already," Rowen reminded him."Haven't you learned _anything_ of our culture yet?"

"I did – I learned the French National Anthem."

"Hah!" Rowen hailed, raising his glass."I took four years of the darn language!'Rise up, children of the fatherland!The day of glory has arrived!' "

" 'Against us stands tyranny – the bloody flag is raised, the bloody flag is raised!' "

The broke into song, poor rhythm because they were singing in English rather than French, and poor all around because they were both completely drunk.

" 'And may the impure blood of our enemies soak the furrows of the fields!!' " they finished, and Rowen fell over in a dead faint across the countertop.

Anubis, in spite of himself, broke out laughing madly.

"_Anubis!_" interrupted a strange voice, and he opened his eyes to see a vision of the Ancient One floating before him."_What _are_ you doing?_"

"I'm not precisely _sure_, Ancient One!" he replied."But I must say, I'm enjoying it!"

"_You're making a complete fool of yourself._"

"Don't blame me – I thought I was dead!It's not _my_ fault!Hey – wanna drink?"

The Ancient One shook his head.

"_I'll speak to you again . . . when you're sober._"

"Thank you, drive through!"

"Hey, Anubis, who ya talkin' to?" Sage inquired blearily.

"The Spirit of the Ancient One."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Well, you just tell him that I said HEEEEEEEEEYYYYY!"

"All right . . . Ancient One!"

"_I heard him, Anubis._"

"Ah.He heard you."

"Cool!"


	3. Words of Ancient Wisdom - or - Dais's Ar...

Of Brains and Other Organs of Some Repute

Of Brains and Other Organs of Some Repute

Part three

**"Words of Ancient Wisdom"**

or

**"Dais's Archenemy"**

Written by Anna-mathe

All rights reserved, for I have none.

**_"Dedicated to everyone who hates Yuli, likes Anubis, and loves . . . cheese."_**

NOTE: Okay – anyone who actually reads my fics will notice an ongoing theme in several series – all but 3 feature at least one appearance by Zorak, Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse.I saw no reason for this to be one of them.JTo get the full lowdown on Zorak's activities, start with the Double Doo-Doo Saga, then this one, then skip over to Who Needs Humans?.C'mon, everyone.Zorak's cool.Everyone loves Zorak.Right??? J

Once again, Anubis groaned himself back to consciousness in a room with curtains.

_Acckk . . . . my head feels as if it's going to explode!_He thought for a moment._Again!!_

"Anubis!!" called a spooky voice from nowhere.

"Shut up!!!" he cried, covering his ears."Leave me alone!!"

"Cut that out," the voice admonished."You were once a Dark Warlord of the Nether Realm.You carried out my task as Guardian of the Ronin Warriors, and saved the Mortal World from Talpa's evil._Don't_ tell me you can't handle a hangover!!"

"A _what_?!"Anubis looked around dumbly and LO! The image of the Ancient One appeared as it had the . . . night before?

_Funny . . . I don't remember a thing._

"A _hangover_, Anubis.I'll leave that to the Ronins to explain.The Mortal World is a twisted place, and you've been gone from it for hundreds of years.You must walk cautiously until you have mastered the quirks of it."

"Ancient One . . . is there a point to this?"

"We have a problem," the Ancient One replied."Or rather – _you_ have a problem.It doesn't concern me much, I suppose, me being dead and all . . . "

Anubis brightened.

"Perhaps Chinese Fred has _your_ brain as well!Then you _too_ can be resurrected!"

"Don't _go_ there."

" . . . "

"Anyway – back to Chinese Fred.When the Ronin Warriors found you, they also destroyed a great evil."

"Fred?"

"No.Richard Nixon.However, I have reason to believe that the dark powers are not yet at rest.Fred animated many a dead fiend – I fear that the others will not remain contained for long.Should their power be unleashed upon the Mortal World, no end of the Earth will remain safe.Why – with their combined strength, even the Nether Realm would be at risk.You must stop them before they come into their full powers!"

Anubis rubbed his temples, still feeling a bit groggy from all that Vodka and Kool-Aid.

"Why _me_?"

The Ancient blinked, although you couldn't tell because of the basket on his head.

" . . . why _not_?"

"Be_cause_, in case you haven't noticed, I'm _mortal_ now!"

"You were mortal before."

"Not like this!Now I don't have mystical Armor _or_ a Magic Staff.All I have are stable boots and a Nascar hat."

The Ancient One waved his hands around for dramatic effect.

"You have the skills that made you sought after by both Talpa and myself!"

"Don't you _ever_ lighten up?"

Frowning, the Ancient One was silent for a moment.Then:

"You're right.I'm sick of this."Sighing, he sat heavily beside Anubis, leaning against the wall and staring at the ceiling."No one ever took_ me _out to a hockey game – or for pizza . . . and _certainly_ not to a _bar_."

"Face it," Anubis wryly suggested."You're Ancient.The Ronins are children.We're talking about a generation gap of unimaginable immensity."

"You're over four hundred years old.What about the generation gap between them and _you_?"

Anubis fidgeted.

"You're just jealous!"

"I?!The Ancient One, jealous of an Ex-Warlord of Talpa's Dynasty?!"

"Yes!"

"You have _got_ to be kidding!!"

"You're jealous because _I have a life_!!"

The Ancient growled.

"You were _nothing_ before I saved you!"

"I," Anubis declared, "was still cooler than you!!"

"Fool!"

"Geezer!"

"Loser!"

"Fogi!"

"Dork!"

" . . . Republican!"

The Ancient One gaped, completely unprepared for that one.

"Why you . . . you . . . you . . . "

"What's going on in there?" came a voice from outside, and the Ancient quickly hopped back to his feet, straightened his basket, and assumed an "ancient" type stance, and as the door opened, began speaking what wisdom he could think of off the top of his head.

"Remember, Anubis . . . you must stop these evil forces before they destroy the Mortal World . . . and as you go, remember this . . . look before you leap . . . cats are not for eating . . . look both ways before crossing the street, Catholics do not worship Mary, too much cholesterol is bad for you . . . and _above all_, remember: _don't squeeze the Charmin._The Charmin, Anubis!" he echoed, rising up through the ceiling."The Chaaaaaaarmin-min-min-min . . . "

Mia blinked up at where he had vanished.

"Was that the Ancient One?"

Anubis nodded.

"It was."

"Isn't that interesting?The Ancients had Charmin!"

Anubis raised an eyebrow.

"What did you _think_ they used?"

Mia shrugged.

" . . . leaves?Their hands?White Blaze?"

White Blaze barged in and chased them both out the window.

Unfortunately, there was no balcony below this window, and Anubis and Mia found themselves hurtling into the lake below with a loud splash.

White Blaze purred.

Now, at long last, it is time to bring to light an important detail of this story which has of yet been neglected – it's taking place in the _dead of winter._This lake was not the friendly lake we all know and love – it was a churning, icy _death_.

Anubis and Mia didn't even have time to scream in utter terror like wussy kids.

Dais kicked the wall and snarled something profane in German.At least, he thought it was profane, but since Dais can't _speak_ German, he couldn't be quite certain.

Cale and Kayura watched with amusement as the Warlord continued his tangent, breaking a few potted plants and sending cats running in every direction.After about twenty minutes, however, this pastime grew rather tiresome.

"What's the matter, Dais?" Cale finally asked."Did Sekhmet steal your toenail clippings again?"

"Worse!" Dais snapped.

"Uh . . . the toilet's clogged?"

"Worse!"

"Someone stole your hairspray?"

"No!Worse!"

"Somebody's playing Country Western Music?"

"Even worse."

Cale and Kayura exchanged looks of alarm.What could be worse than _that_??

"Well, what is it?!" Kayura finally snapped.

Dais shuddered.

"He's back."

"Who?"

" . . . him."

"_Who_?"

" . . . my archenemy."

Kayura still looked confused, but Cale's eyes widened in horror.

"You don't mean . . . "

"Yes."

"But . . . _how_?!"

Dais shrugged, exasperated.

"I don't know.But I was walking down the hall, and I heard a strange noise from the kitchen – an odd laugh.'HOOHOOHOOHAHA!!' I believe it was.I should have known right then – and perhaps I did, but couldn't bring myself to believe it – but I dashed toward the sound, and saw _him_, standing there at the refrigerator, eating the salami."Dais shuddered again."My blood ran cold.My hair stood on end.My heart stopped.My mind froze.I – "

"Who's _he_?!" Kayura yelled, and the two Warlords regarded her with disdain.

"His archenemy," Cale said, as if it should be obvious."But – hasn't he been dead for centuries?"

Dais nodded grimly.

"He has.That's why my blood ran cold, and my hair stood on end, and my – "

"Who is his archenemy?!?!" Kayura screamed.

They both regarded her with disgust.

"You really don't _know_?" Cale finally asked, as if he couldn't believe it.

"No, I don't know, you _morons_!What's going on?!"

Dais grabbed her arm and dragged her to a window, shoving her head out and pointing up.

"He came from the sky!The stars above both our world and that of the Mortals!He descended from worlds beyond any we know in a strange vessel made of tissue paper and glue – the Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse – _Zorak_!"

Kayura blinked and pulled her head back inside.

"Mantis?Your archenemy is a _mantis_?"

"Don't scoff, lady," Dais warned."This is no mantis as you know the term.He's easily six feet tall, and he walks around with a laser gun, destroying any who oppose him!Truly a force to be reckoned with – not even _I_ could defeat him."

"That . . . what happened?"

"Oh, Anubis killed him in the end."

"How?"

"He told Zorak to Quake With Fear . . . and he did.So while he was Quaking, Anubis threw him into an oven.We made him into a pie."

"You _ate_ him?"

"No!" Cale yelled, disgusted at the concept."We wouldn't stoop so low . . . we fed him to Badamon.He never knew."

"And now he's back?"

"Badamon?"

"No – Zorak."

"He's back?!"

"_You_ said he was back."

" . . . oh.Yes."

Kayura thought for a moment.She wasn't as wise as Sage, so it took a few moments for her to come to a conclusion.

"First the Ronins tell us that Anubis has been revivified . . . now Dais's archenemy is _also_ back from the dead . . . I think something's amiss in the Mortal World!"

Slowly, the other Ronins recovered from their individual hangovers and sought breakfast.

They all sat around the table, waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting . . . . . . . . . 

"Hey, _MIA_!!!!" Kento finally yelled."Where's breakfast?!"

No reply came.

So they waited.

And waited.

And waited . . . . . . . . . .

"Mia?" Cye called tentatively."Are you angry with us?"

Still no reply came.

Although they waited.

And waited.

And waited . . . . . . . . . .

"Mia, are you even in there?" Rowen finally snapped, impatient and hungry.

Since no reply came, all they could do was wait.

And wait.

And wait . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Then it hit Sage like a lightning bolt – all his Wisdom came together with one burst of wise energy:

"Guys – I don't think Mia's in the kitchen!"

"_No_!!"They all jumped to their feet in horror.

"Ronin Warriors – to _the kitchen_!" Ryo yelled, taking off, his chums on his heels.

They burst into the kitchen to find . . . .

White Blaze eating a rat.

Ryo gasped in horror.

"Mia's not here, guys!!W-what do we do now?!"

For a long moment, the great warriors regarded one another fearfully.

Where could Mia have gone?More importantly – when was she coming back?!

Cooking they could handle – Cye could simply take over the kitchen.But who would wash the dishes?Clean the house?Do laundry?Pay the rent?Buy gasoline?Buy _food and bathroom supplies_?!For, as it suddenly dawned on them, Mia was the only one in the household who had a source of income.The Ronin Warriors were, in fact, complete freeloaders, and the thought of being forced to – to – _work_ for their keep?! scared the very crap out of them.

"We've gotta find her!"Sage finally exclaimed."C'mon!"

"Ronin Warriors," Ryo declared, "to the _CAR_!"

Mia was not in the car.They made a thorough search, but to no avail.

"And," Sage said wisely, "if she's not here but the Jeep _is_, then she can't have taken the Jeep somewhere else."

They pondered.

"I've got it!!" Kento suddenly yelled, deciding to be wise himself for once.

No one had expected this twist, and the other Warriors turned to gawk at the large one.

"She's not at the house," Kento surmised, "and she didn't drive away.That only leaves one option."

"Yeah?" Rowen prompted when Kento trailed off. 

"_Aliens_."

Another collective gasp resounded from the group.

Kento struck a dramatic and mysterious pose.

"Last night, they must have come.I can just imagine it – the lights flashing, the spooky alien sounds – the ship came down – it landed there, on the roof!"

"No!!" Cye yelped, horrified."Not the _roof_!!"

"Yes," Kento said in a dark voice."The _roof_.They landed their ship on the _roof_, then they came down through the chimney and stole some long socks, laughing like silly people.Mia, poor Mia, she must have heard and come running down the stairs, demanding to know who these gruesome creatures were, and what they were doing to her chimney . . . and then . . . "

The others waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And got tired of waiting.

"And then?" Sage prompted.

"Then," Kento said in the darkest tone yet, "they grabbed her by the thumbs and dragged her up the chimney."

"_No!!_" came the collective shout.

Kento nodded sadly.

"Man, she must have yelled and screamed – but we were all too partied out to hear, and she was taken without contest . . . "

They shared a moment of regretful and guilty yet reverent silence.

"Poor Mia," Sage sighed, on the verge of tears."We should have saved her . . . do you suppose we still can?"

" 'Fraid not, bro," Kento sighed."By now, she's probably long gone.There's no hope."

Rowen sniffled.

"Poor Mia . . . I don't wanna think of her in the clutches of those filthy aliens . . . "

"We should have been there to save her . . . " Ryo choked out, horribly bereaved."If only we hadn't been out getting plastered last night with Anubis, we could have spared her this horrible fate . . . "

Sage blinked, his wisdom kicking in despite his own grief.

"Say – where _is_ Anubis?"

Cye blinked.

"I . . . I haven't seen him . . . you don't suppose – "

Another collective gasp.

"_The aliens got him too_!!"

"And Yuli?" 

"_RYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!_" came a piercing wail from the house.

Rowen sighed.

"Man, those aliens really _are_ evil.Not only did they brutally murder Mia and Anubis, but they left Yuli alive." 

"That's it!!" Ryo snapped, furious, slamming his fist into his palm for dramatic effect."Ronin Warriors, we can't just stand here and do nothing!I say we find these alien suckers and extract our revenge!!!"

"Yes!!" they agreed jubilantly, glad to have an outlet for their wildly ranging emotions.

"But . . . "Cye was confused."How can we?If they're aliens, then they're probably halfway across the galaxy by now!"

"We've gotta check the tabloids!" Kento quickly replied."Maybe they can help!"

Ryo again slammed his fist into his palm

"Ronin Warriors," he said tensely, sternly, "to the _store_."

And so the intrepid team of valiant heroes squished their way into the Jeep and shot off to the local Wal-Mart. 

Ryo shuddered.

" . . . I swore I'd never return to this place . . . "

Sage blinked.

"What is it, Ryo?"

Ryo shook himself sternly.

"N-nothing.Nothing at all.I don't have any traumatic childhood memories of nearly dying of a dangerously serious paper cut inflicted by a smiley face sticker at the entrance to a Wal-Mart store 9 years ago on Friday the 25.I never swore to never again step foot inside a Wal-Mart as long as I had hair.Nothing's wrong."

Sage blinked again.

"All right, if you're sure.C'mon – let's go in."

And so, biting his bottom lip in pure terror that he didn't have of a smiley face sticker that didn't exist, the great leader of the Ronin Warriors led the way into the vast shopping mart, fighting back a shudder.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" sang a chipper voice, and Ryo whirled to see - - - 

_A saleslady offering him a shopping cart!!_

He took a deep breath.

_All right – it's a cart, not a sticker.All's well . . . _

"No thanks," he said in a fake tone, forcing a smile and barging past her.

The saleslady started to cry.

"There!!!" Kento shouted, lunging forward and grabbing up the National Enquirer.

His comrades gathered around and gasped at what they saw.

"The fiend!" Rowen finally burst out." 'Shark attacks on American coasts part of evil Cuban plan by Fidel Castro'!"

"And look!" Sage cried, pointing to an article." 'Tourist eaten by whale in City Park'!That's so horrible!!"

"And check this out!" Cye exclaimed."It says that Richard Nixon has been brought back from the dead!"

"Man, we already knew that," Ryo reminded him.

Cye blinked.

"Oh."

"Here we are, guys," Kento directed, pointing to a specific article."Headline: _Aliens are among us._"

"Whoa!" Rowen exclaimed."That's just what we want!"

"Read on, Kento!" Sage advised wisely.

"Well," Kento said, "it says that there are so many aliens hidden all throughout the world that we don't even notice them anymore!"

"Unreal!"

"Darn right!But it gives tips on how to weed 'em out."

"What are they?" chimed his companions.

"It says that they talk with funny accents and have blue hair."

"Gee.Too bad we don't know anyone like that," Rowen declared, shaking his head.

The others turned to gawk at him.

" . . . what?"

"_ALIEN SCUMBAG!!!!_" Sage yowled, catching the meaning to this a bit quicker than the others."Let's get him, guys!"

Rowen screamed and scrambled away as the others lunged after him, armoring up and deciding to rip him into tiny pieces.

Dais shuddered, looking around at the horrific scenery which greeted his gaze.

"I'd forgotten how much I abhor the Mortal World," he seethed, kicking gingerly at a rock sitting in Mia's front lawn."This place is disgusting."

"Cheer up," Cale advised."You've been in a rotten mood ever since Zorak stole your salami."

Dais turned and kicked a tree, knocking it over.

"I wanted to eat that salami!!"

"Shut up," Kayura snapped."We must find the Ronin Warriors and find out what's going on around here.If Chinese Fred is truly active here, then both our realms are in grave danger."

"Yes, yes, we know that," Dais snapped."But I still don't want to be standing _here_ when _he's_ back _there_."

"We left Sekhmet to guard the Nether Realm while we're away," she reminded him tartly.

Dais shook his head.

"For some strange reason, my fears are not alleviated."

"That's your problem.Let's find the Ronins and get some answers.It's freezing."

And so the three Warlords headed up to the house and Dais knocked, accidentally bashing the door off its hinges.

Yuli stood in the doorway, gawking at the remains of the door.

"Greetings, young human!" Dais greeted in an attempt to be sociable."We have come for your friends!"

Yuli looked up at him with huge, liquid eyes.

Dais felt a chill go up his spine.He didn't know precisely what, but he got the feeling that something horrible was about to happen.

And something did.

Yuli opened his mouth.

"WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZE!!!!!!THERE'RE WARLORDS AT THE DOOOOOHOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOORRRRRR!!!!!!!"

And he burst into tears, bawling, kicking, and generally throwing a similar tantrum to the one that started this entire story.

Dais, startled and horrified by this outburst, fell backwards and down the stairs, plummeting into Kayura and Cale and landing them all into a huge heap on the icy ground.

"OOF!" they squeaked, trying to untangle themselves.

"Foolish mortal!" Cale yelled up to Yuli, jumping to his feet –

- only to slip on the ice and fall flat on his bum!

"We're going to get you, you little heathen!!!" Dais shouted at the brat, making a lunge at the front door, but falling short due to lack of traction and landing flat on his face!

"Darn you!!" Kayura snapped as much at her companions as at the boy."Incompetents!_Feel the Scream of my Starlight Swords_!!!"

And then she also slipped and her swords went flying.

White Blaze leapt out the door and caught one of them, then turning tail and running for his furry life.

"_After him!!_" Kayura screamed, taking off sliding through the lawn after the tiger. 

Her fellow Warlords attempted to aid her, but kept falling on their butts with the utter lack of grace typical to ancient warriors who've been living in a season-less realm for hundreds of years and eventually gave in, watching the Tiger and the Warlord skitter away.

Yuli's tantrum multiplied exponentially.

"_WHIIIIIIIIIITE BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZE!!!!!DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THESE NETHERWORLD CREEEEE-HEEEEEE-HEEEEEEEEPS!!!!!!!!!!!_"

The two remaining Warlords exchanged terrified glances and shuddered, aware that they were about to face their toughest battle ever:

The Might

_Of_

_YULI THE ANNOYING-EXASPERATING-EVIL-STUPID-KID-THING!!!_

_ _

Bum bum BAAAAAAAAAAM!

Will Kayura catch White Blaze?

Will the Warlords survive Yuli?

Will the Ronins slaughter Rowen?

And what about Mia and Anubis?

To be continued!Tee-hee!The power!

And just so everyone knows, the tabloid articles about the sharks and the whale are real.I saw them while shopping at my local IGA.Makes you think, doesn't it?People pay to read those things – when they _could_ just be reading cheesy fics like this one! J


	4. Kayura's Phobia - or - The Secret of Roa...

Of Brains and Other Organs of Some Repute 

Part four

"Kayura's Phobia," 

or

"The Secret of Road Construction" 

Written by Anna-mathe

All rights reserved, for I have none.

**_Dedicated to everyone who hates Yuli, likes Anubis, and loves . . . cheese._**

A/N: I don't really have anything against Green Peace.  You guys just have the worst timing ever!!!!  And do you _always_ have to be right outside Jimmy John's?!  Can't you migrate or something?!?!

*

Ryo punched one hand into the other fist and seethed darkly.

            "All this time . . . we should have known."

            The other three remaining Ronin Warriors sighed appreciatively.

            "How could we have known, Ryo?" Cye put forth sympathetically.  "Rowen had all of us fooled.  We never once suspected that he was really an evil alien being sent to spy on us, and never fathomed that he might brutally slaughter Mia and Anubis.  Don't blame yourself so much."

            "But – that whole floating in outer space thing?  Doesn't that kinda make it obvious?  The Armor of _Strata_, for crying out loud?!  In any case, the hair and the accent should have alerted us.  We shouldn't have been taken in by such an obvious evil ploy."

            "But _why_?" Sage pondered.  "After helping us defeat Talpa and everything – why would he turn on us _now_?"

            "Man, I don't care!!" Kento yelled, kicking a wall.  "I say we track him down and squish in his slimy alien head!"

            "Yes!" chimed the others, and the Ronin Warriors set out on their Quest to find the Strata Warrior and maim him.

*

            Meanwhile, back at Mia's house, Dais and Cale sat on the living room floor silently, warily eyeing their "host".

            _I don't like the looks of this whole scenario_, Dais thought to himself.  _Something tells me I should say heck and flee for my life._

            Of course, he needed the Ronin Warriors to help him defeat his archenemy, and they needed to discover what twisted force was at work in the Mortal World before it was too late to save it.

            _But perhaps I face here an enemy more vile and evil than the mighty Zorak himself . . . _

            Beside him, he noticed Cale shudder faintly, and knew that his fellow Warlord shared the same misgivings about this whole situation.

            Sitting cross-legged on the floor across from them was the force of darkness: the brat known as Yuli.  He sat there, forlorn expression in his huge, liquid, disgusting child's eyes, gazing blankly at the Warlords.

            And so they sat there, staring at each other, for the better part of an hour.  Then Dais decided to attempt once again his ill-fated greeting.

            "Well, young human," he said, startling his two companions by breaking the silence so abruptly, "is it true that our former leader, the Warlord of Cruelty, now lives again among you?"

            Yuli blinked.

            "Is Anubis back from the dead?" Cale reiterated.

            Yuli blinked again.

            The Warlords exchanged glances.

            "Where are your friends?" Dais asked.

            Blink.

            "We recently received a letter from the Ronin Warriors.  We _know_ they still live here.  Where are they?" Cale demanded in a harsh tone.

            Yuli blinked, and those awful eyes began to fill with tears.

            "No!!" Dais squawked.  "Don't start the screaming thing again!!  I beg you!!"

            The bottom lip began to quiver.

            "Stop, heathen!"

            The nose began to run.

            "Don't do it to us!!"

            The mouth opened, and a great breath was sucked in.

            "NO!!" Cale cried, springing to his feet and grabbing two pillows from the couch and plastering them against his ears.

            Dais only sighed, resigned to his fate, because he's Serene.

            "_WHY ARE YOU SCARING MEEEEE-HEEEEE-HEEEEEEE?!?!?!_" Yuli bawled.  "_IT WASN'T ENOUGH WITH THE SOCK AND THE QUANTUM PHYSICIST!!  NOW MIA AND ANUBIS HAVE BEEN KILLED BY ALIENS AND WHITE BLAZE IS GONE AND YOU'RE SCARYYYYYYY-HEEEEEEE-HEEEEEEE!!!!!!_"

            Sighing again, the Warlord of Illusion attempted to wipe the spatter from the little one's fit from his face and clothing and hide his disgust at being covered in Yuli-drool at the same time.

            "Calm yourself, young human!" he snapped.  "We will not hurt you – _unless you keep carrying on like a stuck up little brat_!!"

            Yuli froze mid-yell, and a nasty glob of gooey stuff dripped from his nose.  Dais fought the urge to ralph.  He threw a glance to Cale, but the Warlord of Corruption was hiding behind the sofa.

            "Where are the Ronin Warriors?" he demanded.  "If you don't tell us . . . I will chop off your head and place it on a pike in the soft earth outside my front door tomorrow morning."

            Yuli gulped.

            " . . . they . . . "

            "Yes?"  Dais leaned in a bit closer, seeing that the kid was about to spill the beans.

            " . . . . . . . they . . . . . "

            "Well?"  Cale actually came out from the couch to peer anxiously at the brat.

            " . . . . . they went . . . . . . to . . . . . . . . . "

            The two Warlords held their breaths, dripping with anticipation.

            " . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the store."

            Dais blinked.

            Cale blinked back.

            "The . . . . store?"

            Yuli blinked back.

            "Yeah . . . . c'mon, don't you know what a store is?"

            " . . . . . . . . listen, kid, we haven't had a day's leisure in the Mortal World for over 400 years.  Elaborate," Cale snapped.  "Where can we find this 'store'?"

            " . . . "

            Yuli looked flabbergasted.

            "Gee . . . you Dark Warlords don't seem so scary now that I know you're stupid."

            Dais lunged forward and grabbed him by the shirt collar, holding him several feet in the air, his vow to be civil to the mortals quite forgotten.

            "Say that again, you puny Mortal punk.  Go ahead and say it again!"

            Yuli burst into tears.

            "_IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WAAAAAAAAAAAAANT MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"_

            "Where _is_ Mia?" Cale demanded as Dais shook Yuli in a frightening manner.  "You said something about her and Anubis being killed by aliens?"

            Yuli stifled his sniffles, fear re-asserted in his tiny thought complex.

            "Y-yeah . . . the guys figured out that they were killed by aliens."

            Dais's eyes narrowed.

            "I find your story faulty, young human," he snapped.  "I think it highly unlikely that Anubis is alive in the first place, and if indeed he were, than he wouldn't have been so foolish as to be killed by an illegal immigrant."

            "A . . . what?"

            "An alien.  An _alien_.  An illegal immigrant."

            Cale muttered something in his ear, and the Warlord of Illusion blinked.

            "From outer space?!  That's preposterous."

            "Nah-uh!!!!!" Yuli belted out.  "Aliens are real, I've seen proof."

            "Then show us this proof, puny creature."

            "Put me down, and I'll show you."

            Disgruntled, Dais roughly let the heathen down to the floor.

            Yuli proceeded to put on his winter coat and mittens.

            "Now, come with me.  I'll show you where the aliens live – but they're not there now.  They leave in the winter."

            Still disgruntled, the two Warlords followed their evil guide out into the snowy wilderness, not a clue between them as to what was going to happen to them.

*

            Rowen was running for his life.  

            After the initial attack on his person by his fellow Ronins earlier at Wal-Mart, he'd managed to give them the slip by falling into a manhole and landing in the sewers below.  A highly-intelligent tactical maneuver.  Or so he told himself.

            So now here he was, covered in crap and slinking through deserted allies in the City.

            _And to think – this time yesterday, I was getting plastered with Anubis and the guys._

            Ah!  A thought!

            _I didn't kill Mia and Anubis . . . so they might still be alive!  For cryin' out loud, we don't know _what_ happened to them . . . I frankly am not so sure I still go for Kento's Alien theory . . . I wonder where they could be?_

            A series of strange suspicions crossed his mind.

            _They could have taken a walk.  They could have fallen off a cliff.  Maybe they didn't even disappear together.  Maybe Mia vanished, and Anubis went looking for her, or some such thing.  Maybe they're having a secret affair.  Maybe . . . maybe they just got sick of Yuli._

            Hm.  Not such a bad idea.

            _Who knows?  Maybe they really did get captured by aliens.  Just not _me_._

            He almost laughed out loud.

            _Me.  An alien?  Well . . . between Ryo and Sage, I'm sure they'll figure out pretty soon that I'm not an alien.  After all, Sage is wise . . ._

            He wished he had some money, or at least a towel.

            And so, sighing, the Warrior of Life continued skulking about dark alleys.

*

"GET BACK HERE YOU FILTHY . . . . . . . . _THING_!" Kayura bellowed as she chased White Blaze across the lawn, over the river, and through the woods.  "Argh!  I hate sword-stealing giant cats!!"

            White Blaze, however, had no thoughts of compliance.  He was, in truth, suffering from an acute case of boredom.  So he ran swiftly through the snow, doing his darndest to lose his pursuer.

            And he was doing a good job.

            Kayura paused briefly in her chase to catch her breath, bent over and panting.  After a moment, she straightened up to continue, but found that she could no longer find any trace of her target.

            "Oh, for crying out loud!!!  _Why me_?!" she wailed, taking note of her surroundings.

            The tiger had led her through the woods – and now she looked in all directions and saw nothing but trees and wilderness.

            An eerie silence settled over the forest as the Warlord stared about uncertainly.

            "No!" she suddenly yelled.  "I refuse to admit that I'm lost!  I'll just retrace my steps back and . . . . . "

            She turned the way she'd come, only to find that due to a stiff wind, all tracks had been drifted over.

            "Darn it."

            Uncertain as to what course of action she should pursue, Lady Kayura flopped down into the snow with a huff.

            " . . . darn stupid Ronin Warriors always causing me trouble . . . "

            A sudden burst of chatter reached her ears.

            Twitching, the last of the Ancients turned warily towards the sound and saw -  - - - -

            Saw - -  - - - - - - - -- - - - - -- 

            "_GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!_"

            Screaming in terror, Kayura leapt to her feet and all but flew from the scene, so great was her fear and horror.

            The chattering continued, and a tiny creature began to follow her, leaping deftly from tree to tree.

            A tiny creature known as . . .

            _An Albino Squirrel_.

            Kayura ran as fast as she possibly could.  Behind her, she could hear the chattering closing in, coming closer, nearly upon her . . . .

            It was not the squirrel she feared, oh no!  It was what she knew would be _with _the squirrel that set her running.

FLASHBACK

            As a small child in Talpa's realm, Kayura had found great solace wandering the vast gardens surrounding the Castle.  She was, after all, not a native to the Nether Realms.  Therefore, many days found her spending hours in the afternoon in these gardens after her training/brainwashing was complete for the day.  Such was the case on this day – a very nice day, a happy day, if such things ever happen in the Nether Realm.

            Little Kayura was sitting happily under a cherry tree chewing on a blade of grass and singing "Mary's Moogle" when a strange little voice reached her.  Curious, she searched for the source of the sound.

            After some peering, she finally located a tiny little animal sitting in the tree branches above her – a cute little white thing with a big, furry tail.  He chattered on in a happy little voice, and Kayura laughed at the sound.

            Ah!  Such joy!

            She named him Squid and vowed to love him forever.

            Squid continued chattering and ran easily down the tree trunk, standing on two legs in front of her, just out of reach.  She offered him a pickled sausage, which he promptly buried, much to her delight.

            Then Squid took three great jumps away, making much distance between them.

            Saddened at the thought of losing her new companion so quickly, Kayura tempted his return with another pickled sausage, but alas, to no avail!  Squid chattered brightly and took another leap away.

            With sudden resolution, little Kayura climbed to her little feet and tottered after him, still holding out the sausage.

            Just as she came quite close, Squid again took three jumps away.  And again, she followed him.

            This went on for longer than she realized – indeed, young Kayura didn't even notice when she and her new pet passed through the Castle Gates and entered the city at large.

            She didn't notice as the happy chase led the pair farther and farther away from the magnificent center of the city.  Didn't notice as the buildings and streets grew dingier and more foreboding.

            In fact, she noticed nothing but the tiny Squid who ran before her, pausing every three leaps to look back and make sure she was still following.

            All at once, Squid stopped jumping!

            Overjoyed, Kayura ran forward towards him, assuming with her childish naïveté that her little friend was done with this game and wished to start another.

            But someone moved in front of her, cutting her off from the little white squirrel!

            Startled, but not to be daunted, Kayura maneuvered herself around this intruder, only to find another in her way.

            Suddenly feeling danger, the tiny Nether-Princess looked up and found herself completely surrounded by . . .

            By . . . . . . .

            "Excuse me, miss!  Do you have a moment for Green Peace?"

            The horror!!!!!!!  It felt as if someone had kicked her in the stomach.  She stood there, winded, frozen in shock at the sudden attack.

            "Perhaps you would like to make a donation?"

            She looked around in sudden terror.  No longer was she in the safe gardens of Talpa's Castle!  No longer were there four Warlords to cry out to for help!  No longer were there high walls cutting her off from danger!

            All around were dark buildings, some boarded up, some currently burning to the ground.  The streets were strewn with random items she couldn't name.

            "Or maybe sign a petition to stop draining the Nether-Wetlands!"

            Desperately seeking an exit from the enclosing team of Green Peace activists, she managed an entreating peek to some outside pedestrians.

            They paid her no heed – simply walked on, eyes averted.

            "Are you a registered voter?  If not, fill out this form!"

            Just beyond them sat Squid.

            Chattering merrily.

            Taunting her.

            He had led her here!

            It had been a trap!!!

            The full implication set in upon her as the pickled sausage fell from her hand.

            There was no escaping Green Peace.

            "Sign here, here, and here, and fill in your social security number here, date of birth, mother's maiden name – "

            "Excuse me!" Kayura suddenly snapped in her most menacing voice.  After all, she didn't need to take this!  "I am Lady Kayura, from the household of Emperor Talpa!  Release me or face imperial wrath!"

            "Ah, but Miss Kayura, the environment affects _all_ of us."

            There it was.

            The great equalizer.

            No one was safe from the Green Peace wrath . . .

PRESENT

Kayura gritted her teeth and ran even faster.  The albino squirrel could only mean one thing.

            They were back.

            _But how_?! she wondered frantically.  _How could Green Peace have returned??_

            For she had been incorrect in her childish revelation that no one was safe from Green Peace.  Just a moment later, as her young self had braced for the end, there was a sudden slicing noise and she'd looked up to find the entirety of Green Peace headless.

            Anubis had then come up to her, wiping blood off his blade.

            "I hate those guys!" he'd confided in her before picking her up and carrying her back to the gardens for another round of brainwashing.

            _Green Peace is no more!  Anubis destroyed them centuries ago!  They cannot have returned – yet here is their emissary, closing in on me as I think!_

            Unless . . .

            Unless the crazy story about Fred was true!  The resurrections had really taken place!  First Nixon, then Anubis – then Dais said his archenemy had returned, and now hers as well??

            Who knew just what other evils might now be once again loose in the world?!

            _Man – that Fred guy must have been really sick._

            The chattering was louder than ever.

            Kayura looked up and found, to her horror, that she was approaching the city.

            _If they're back, that's where they'd be!_ she realized with a start.  _I've done it again!  I've run right into their trap!_

            Just as she made to alter her course, however, she collided head on with another figure that popped up out of nowhere and went sprawling out in the snow.

*

"Just where is the little brat _taking_ us?!" Cale hissed to Dais as the Warlords trudged unhappily along after Yuli through the snow.  

            "How should I know?!" Dais sulked back.

            "Well, we'd better get there soon.  We must have been walking for at least an hour, and it's @#$%ing _cold_ out here!!!!!!!!"

            "Listen – these 'aliens' of which the human speaks are the only lead we have to Anubis's whereabouts.  We have to follow him on the slim chance that he might actually be onto something.  Now shut up."

            Just then, Yuli stopped and raised his arm, pointing forward with one mitten.

            "There," he said ominously.

            The Warlords followed the mitten and saw - - - the freeway?

            But something was wrong!  Gone was the perpetual drone of heavy traffic!  Gone were the bleating of horns and the shouts of angry drivers!  Gone were, in fact, any signs of life at all!

            For there were no cars on this freeway, oh no.

            In there place was a sea of strange objects.  Strange _orange_ objects.  Each with two white stripes and a glittering gem on top.

            It was not unlike a graveyard.

            "What . . . . _is_ this place?" Cale finally demanded, voice cutting through the deathly silence.

            Yuli turned to regard the Warlords with great solemnity.

            "I'm gonna tell you guys a secret.  You have to swear not to tell anyone!"

            Dais rolled his eyes.

            "Tell us, human, or we'll pop your eyes out."

            " . . . okay, fine.  Be that way."

            Yuli took a deep, composing breath, and began his tale.

            "I learned this from my dad1, so I know it's true.  You see those orange things?"

            The Warlords conceded that they did, indeed, see the orange things.

            "Well, they're called 'Orange Barrels'.  Most people believe that they're put up by workers to warn drivers that there's construction being done on the road, and to warn them away from the dangerous areas.  Sometimes, like in cases like this, they're put up to close a road so that the road can be fixed.  At least, that's what we're supposed to believe."

            Dais and Cale exchanged a suspicious glance.

            "Continue," Dais ordered in his most menacing tone.

            Yuli blew on his hands to warm them.

            "The truth is," he said to the Warlords in a confidential tone, "they're not just Orange Barrels.  They're _spaceships_."  He gestured dramatically.  "The aliens have been here!  And these are their ships!!"

            Dais folded his arms.

            "I am doubting your tale, mortal."

            "No, _reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally_!  My dad did the math.  He took the population of the world, plus the global unemployment rate, and made a graph.  _Then_ he figured in the number of road construction workers and realized that it's a mathematical impossibility!  There are not enough citizens on this planet to account for the workers!"

            Cale mulled this over, but Dais was still not convinced.

            "They come here in their Orange Spaceships and steal our jobs!" Yuli yelled melodramatically, spitting everywhere as he spoke.

            "And for what purpose would they come to a pitiful planet like this?!" Dais snapped.

            "Oh.  I forgot.  You see," and Yuli put on his wisest expression, "they're not fixing the roads at all.  The roads aren't broken to begin with.  They land their ships so that everyone will _think_ the roads are bad, seal them off, and then they _eat the asphalt_!!!!"

            Dais took a step back, shocked.

            "_What_?!"

            "They eat it!!  They eat it all, then replace it with new concrete.  You see, they only like it seasoned.  That's why they don't just make it for themselves."

            The Warlords again looked over the sea of orange before them.  Could it be true?

            "I see no one eating concrete, human," Dais snapped, although his confidence was beginning to waver.

            "Of course not!  They hibernate in the winter.  Those that don't leave, anyway.  They hate the cold."

            "If they hate the cold so much," Cale reasoned, "then why did they come back to capture Anubis?"

            Yuli shrugged.

            "I don't know.  But I said I'd show you their ships, and I did.  Now I'm cold.  Carry me home!"

            Dais and Cale both took involuntary steps backwards.

            They were spared trying to weasel out of this new dilemma, however, by the approach of another.

            Dais may have been missing an eye, but his hearing was more than acute, and a faint sound reached him.

            A sound coming from the empty freeway.

            "What's that?" he hissed, motioning for his companions to be silent and drawing his weapon.  Cale did likewise.

            For many long, tense minutes, the three stood there, frozen, poised to attack, staring at the Orange Spaceships.  

            Waiting.

            However, patience was an attribute not many Dark Warlords managed to hone very well.

            "Whoever you are!  Come out now, or we'll destroy the whole freeway!  Then you'll _really_ have to fix it!" Cale snarled.

            And a legion of figured rose from the shadows of the Barrels.

            Dais gasped.

            "It - - - it can't be!  You were destroyed centuries ago!!!!!!!"

            Yuli blinked, not understanding the horror, as Cale began to whimper like a sissy.

            The figures quickly closed in around them.

            _"Excuse me, sirs!  Do you have a moment for Green Peace?"_

            Cale burst into tears as Dais let out a horrible scream of agony.

            "**_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**"

___________________________________________________________________

Will Dais and Cale escape Green Peace?

Will Kayura escape the albino squirrel?

Will the Ronins learn the truth about Rowen?

What _is_ the truth about Rowen?

What happened to Mia and Anubis, anyway?

How is Sekhmet holding up in the Nether Realm?

Find out next time! 

1 Yuli's father isn't actually the origin of this tale.  _My_ father is.  Yes, my whole life I have been told the truth about road construction.  To think – the things that go on in our happy little world . . . . . . .


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